leighmaree

The unbearable "weight"

Weight, weight, weight, always weighing myself. Hey almost my whole name is included in the word wEIGHt. Such an unbearable fixation. I’m not writing this to be a sob story, it’s just the truth and I think for women it might help to know that others feel the same.

I was always this chubby kid with a sway back. School pictures of me always look like I was sticking my stomach out. Weird stuff how kids are. I remember there was this brand of jean that all the popular girls wore, that just didn’t fit me. All the thin, pretty popular girls were running around in them. Anyway I loved food. I still do. Just can’t help it. Mom was always guarding me and saying things like “get out of that” “you’re not eating again” etc. It’s actually good cause parents need to do that to keep a kid from getting obese. Anyway this is kind of pathetic and sad but in around grade 6 all the boys started smacking and pinching the girls butts in their cute little jeans. All except for me of course. I used to just wish a boy would smack or pinch my butt just once? Sad looking back that I was so desperate to be groped by a bunch of twerps. Anyway of course no pinch.

"How much do you weigh?" So anyway the weight obsession started, or the diet one. Either is the same. Constantly my whole life rationing and going over the frustration with myself for not being thin. Eating, the guilt after the eating, the harsh dieting to make up for it etc. I’m lucky I don’t make myself puke, just can’t do that. Although I know why people do.

What I have to confess is that I couldn’t release my album till I lost the “weight” I couldn’t stand one picture of myself and couldn’t pay a photographer to take pictures of me looking that way. I was also not going out or even doing small performances cause someone might take a picture of me and I’d be horrified - the worst showing up tagged in someone’s FB pics. I got pretty reclusive as I dieted and dieted away, exercised like hell and finally managed to lose 10 pounds. But still not the goal of 15. That was really difficult to finally go through before the goal was reached. Anyway when it came time to take the pictures I was really nervous. Anyway he showed me the first take and my heart sunk when I saw it. “Oh no what a stumpy piglet” It was terrible. I got so nervous I was standing there shaking. I was in a bar and the photographer and make-up artist suggested I loosen up. I had too, it was the only way to numb the critical voice. So I got totally loaded. I didn’t look at the takes after that. At the end of the night I felt so terrible and went home dejected.

So anyway the next day he sent me the good takes and I couldn’t believe it. I don’t know where the stumpy piglet went but it was such a relief. I’m not thin but definitely not fat. Thank god they turned out nice is all I can say, and in a way I’m glad that I wasn’t at the goal weight for them yet still look good.

After the photo shoot I kind of let it loose and gained 5 pounds in literally a week. Such a pain. Now the cycle starts again. I think it should stop though. But it won’t. So ingrained in my psyche. This unbearable “weight.”